04 June, 2006
Dealing
Though I've rather slipped in my yoga and meditation practice in recent weeks, I voraciously consume the articles that come to me in my "Daily Insight" messages from Yoga Journal. This morning, there was a link to this article about disappointment.
Last week was a real Crap Fest, emotionally. The full realization that this person that I believed was my friend really isn't my friend was a real kick to the gut. It's not much of a friendship when I find myself questioning my sanity: I allowed myself to believe that I must have been completely delusional to think this person would even want to be my friend when I wasn't "cool" or "hip" or as "intelligent" or "beautiful" as this person's other friends. And I beat myself up for being so "pathetic" as to try to keep in contact with this person, when the response is silence.
(Reading those last two sentences, I suddenly wondered, "What are these labels? What does it really MEAN to be 'cool' or 'hip' or 'intelligent' or 'beautiful'...or 'pathetic'?" I may be none of these things or I may be *all* of these things. But I can't seem to quantify them, and suddenly they've become UTTERLY MEANINGLESS!)
At any rate, last week is over. It's in the past. The important concept in the article is staying in the present. Don't keep bringing back past disappointment or hurt so that it keeps being relived as if it is happening over and over again. Also important is to not bring the fear of a disappointment--in other words, a disappointment that hasn't even happened--into the present moment.
I recognize these as habits I've nurtured throughout my life (sadly, I had great models for this behavior in my mother and grandfather). But I also recognize this other "thing", this new habit, taking shape in my core. I've been working hard to resurface quickly from this disappointment. I've been reminding myself of what I do have: my health, my creativity, friends who DO love me and are there for me, my cats who always know just when to nuzzle me or bring me a toy to play with, and my education--both academic and spiritual. That's just the short-list. I am SO MUCH MORE than the "loss" that caused me to suffer.
I frequently hear people talk about how they're shaped by their past experiences (something I'm sure I've said, too). But, really, we're shaped by how we *respond* to these experiences, not the experiences themselves. I'm trying to ask "why?" less frequently, but instead ask myself how I can best integrate the experience (and the lessons it contains) into my life.
Which comes back to the cornerstone of the article: The present moment is really all we have, that NO ONE can take from us. Isn't it really better to honor it by living it, than to dishonor it by churning over past injury? I'm suddenly not so willing to hand over something as precious as my present moment to the past (or a fear of what may be)--to something that does not exist.
LISTENING: Wildflowers from the album "Wildflowers" by Tom Petty
Technorati Tags: broken heart, gratitude, spirituality
~~ victoria on 11:32 AM ~~ 0 comments
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