14 February, 2006
The crappiest day of the longest month
Well, despite the yoga and mindful breathing and attempts at meditation, I still have not made my peace with the month of February. Especially the 7th and the 14th.
It's nothing new, single people hating Valentine's Day. And I appreciate the fact that many well-meaning (and 99% of the time, coupled) people try to console me by saying there's no shame in being single on Valentine's Day. I know their heart is in the right place, but they miss the point.
It's not shame I feel. It's loneliness. And, even though these same well-meaning people say, "it's just one day..." it ISN'T. It's 365 days. As if the other 364 days aren't hard enough, hearing people tell me I'm pretty and I'm nice and I'm smart and I'm cool and I'm funny and how utterly WORTHY I am of being loved...it seems that I'm just not pretty, nice, smart, cool or funny enough and it's no fun having it shoved in my face as a nasty reminder. Even if it is for "one day". And whatever "worthiness" for love I carry is cold comfort...just cold.
It's days like this where I just really want my Mom. But every February 7th I'm reminded that she's gone, too. Last week she would have turned 64, were it not for an irrecoverable bout of depression and a .22-calibre handgun nearly 15 years ago. It's a day where I try to reflect on her life, but mostly I can only recall all of the ways that I've failed my mother (and how I continue to do so).
I know that, come tomorrow, Valentine's Day will be gone and I'll have survived it (and my mother's birthday), just a little worse for wear. And even though I've sort of knocked my efforts with it, the yoga and mindful breathing have helped me a lot. If nothing else, they are good habits that I can retreat to when I'm feeling blue. I can feel how the yoga has made me physically stronger and the mindful breathing and meditation (what I can do of it) are strengthening my "heart". Which is good because it looks like I'm going to have to slug it out on my own here for the foreseeable future.
Technorati Tags: broken heart, spirituality
~~ victoria on 10:26 PM ~~ 2 comments
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Hey, fuck Valentine's Day! I'm single too, and smart and funny and just absolutely wonderful according to my friends also. I think too much importance is placed on coupling up. I mean, most of the couples I know are miserable except on Valentine's Day. Being lonely sucks, but I also think relationships are overrated. As far as I'm concerned, Valentine's Day is just another Tuesday.
The mom stuff is harder. I know. My mom died just this past October. In September she had turned 71. I miss my mother too.
I don't know you, and I didn't know your mom, but I can't help but think that you wern't a disappointment to her, and you're certainly not failing her now. Afterall, you turned out pretty, nice, smart, cool, funny and totally worthy!
Your poor mom doesn't know what she's missing.
By
cidney, at
7:33 PM
Cidney, thank you for your very kind words! What a wonderful surprise to discover on my blog!
I hear what you're saying and it's not like I need to be in a couple to feel complete. It's just, well...
I'm sorry you lost your mother. They always seem to leave us too soon, don't they? But it sounds like your mom raised one wonderful lady!
Thanks for visiting my blog.
By
victoria, at
8:08 PM