It's up to you -- you can choose to either sow the seeds of discord or the beginnings of a fruitful and peaceful time for you and your loved ones. Remember, forgiving someone doesn't mean that you condoned what they did. It just means that you refuse to let it have any power over you or what you do. Inform your actions with the knowledge and wisdom of your heart rather than letting your ego run the show.

I think forgiving myself might be a good place to start (as impossible a task as it seems right this moment)...

A reminder to myself
Originally uploaded by Planet Vicster.

So many people have told me that my 40's would be the best time of my life. If being shattered into a billion bits is as good as it gets, then...

I may or may not be blogging much for the next while. I'm going to try to put myself back together, if that's even possible.

...a bit extra self-conscious lately. Maybe it's hormonal. Or maybe everything that tumbles out of my mouth lately really is STUPID.

If I figure it out, I'll let y'all know.

that I have a huge HUGE crush on Jeff Tweedy?

Yes, I'm still re-living the Wilco concert and can't wait until they wander back this way again!

Grades from Spring Term were finally posted today. As expected, I got an A in the computer class. I wasn't sure what I'd end up with in photography class. The grades on my assignments covered the A through B- spectrum with a C thrown into the mix. So when I saw the A next to that class on the transcript I was relieved and overjoyed!

This means the GPA creeps back up to 3.91. That C still lives on, but my over all transcript shows that that is an anomoly.

My joy was, nonetheless, dampened when my hormones reared their ugly little hormonal heads and I suddenly realized that if I didn't have a BIG VAT OF GUMMY BEARS in front of me within 15 minutes, I'd burst into tears. I packed my self off to the corner Blockbuster because they sell BIG VATS OF GUMMY BEARS. (As an aside, I'd gladly pay an extra $5/mo if Netflix delivered a packet of popcorn or Gummy Bears every week with my movies!) Just as I approached the rack with the Gummy Bears, a man swooped in and took what looked like the last BIG VAT OF GUMMY BEARS! I choked back a sob, pushed up my sleeves and was about to kick off my sandals so I could take his non-PMSing, male ass DOWN. Just as I was preparing to leap over the rack of Pre-Viewed movies for sale and put him in a headlock, one last BIG VAT OF GUMMY BEARS quietly slid down the shelf.

I don't remember my correspondences, so I can't say which god or goddess is responsible for the dispensing of BIG VATS OF GUMMY BEARS...but me and my hormones owe him/her/it a great debt of gratitude. And Mr. Non-PMSing Male Movie Renter owes his very life to this benevolent and on-the-ball diety!

Fact of Life: When you're a college student, and/or in the middle of PMS, a tub of Gummy Bears is a perfectly acceptable supper. And slipping into a post- BIG VAT OF GUMMY BEARS sugar coma ought to gentle me right down, so no maniacal rantings--or headlocks--for the cats or neighbours or unsuspecting movie renters to deal with!

It's all good!

Wilted Parking Meter
Originally uploaded by Planet Vicster.

The Wilted Parking Meter. Taken in 1998 (I think) along The Embarcadero in San Francisco.

As much as I (and others) like this shot, I wish I had taken an extra couple of seconds and slowed the shutter waaayyyy down so the car was blurry. It would have given the image that much more impact, I think.

Still, it's an old fave from one of my Urban Photo Hikes.

I was going to wash the car today. I was going to take my shoreline walk (since I've not gotten to do it this week). I was going to get to the housework I didn't get to yesterday because I had to get ready for the Wilco show (it's important to have one's priorities in order).

But I'm tired. Exhausted. Physically and emotionally drained. Some of it is a "good" tired, a sort of satisfied exhaustion. Some of it is, well, not so good tired.

I think I'm gonna just listen to my body today and take it easy.

Wow! I always heard how awesome Wilco's live shows are. And now I've experienced one. Wilco is everything I love about rock 'n' roll. They get up there and play (for, what, close to three hours, maybe?). No pretense. Nothing exploding on or around the stage. Just music and lighting. Oh, and the most wickely funny Jeff Tweedy. He is so damn funny I laughed as hard as I rocked! His homage to Roger Daltrey in "Tommy" was hilarious!

I can't wait for them to come back to the Bay Area! (Nor can I stop using exclamation marks!!!)

A Flickr First for me, too! Last night I got around to uploading some of my "archive" images from the Central (California) Coast to my Flickr photostream. And this morning I checked my recent activity to find that one photo is now blogged at SLO Pages! Yea!

Nothing makes the morning grooming routine as exciting as having an attention-starved (so he says) cat head butting me on the backside while I'm trying to apply mascara.

The directions for my little George Foreman grill specifically tell me to not immerse it in water. But the damn thing doesn't get CLEAN unless I scrub and rinse it. so I scrubbed and scrubbed the grill plates and ran the bloody thing under the faucet!

HIT ME WITH YOUR BEST SHOT, UNIVERSE!!!!

M99 was one of my favourite bands when I lived in Portland: They did a great version of this song. And, well, lately I've been feeling just like this...

SHIT FOOL
the Dicks (covered by M99)

Hey baby I see you hangin' in the same ol' joint.
Everytime you look at me you lie so.
Everybody tellin' me you're havin' the same ol' fun.
Hey baby won't you look at me and look at what you've done.

Hey, baby, baby you've done me wrong.
Shit fool in love with you
That's not wrong.
Hey baby, baby, what did I do wrong?

Oh baby, I'm crazy about you.
I guess I'll just go drink again.
Yeah, I guess I'll just go drink again.

Hey baby I'm still a fool
I'm in love with you.
Everytime you look at me I don't know what to do.
Friends say they all know your name
but baby that's not true.
Oh baby will you look at me
and tell me what to do.

Hey baby, baby you've done me wrong.
Must be a weak man; I'm not strong.
Hey baby baby, what did I do wrong?
Oh baby, I'm crazy.

'Cos I'm a fuckin', fuckin' fool again.
Yeah, I guess I'm just your fool again.
Yeah.

Hey baby, baby you've done me wrong.
Shit fool in love with you;
that's not wrong.
Hey baby, baby, what did I do wrong?

Oh baby, I'm crazy...
Guess I'm just your fool again.
Yeah, I guess I'm just your fool again.
And I cannot be your fuckin' fool again.
Oh guess I'm just your fool again.

Pensive Billie
Originally uploaded by Planet Vicster.

At last, a photo of (Miss) Billie where she does not look like an ink blot!

Actually, I took this a year or two ago but ran across it as I was going through the archive CDs of photos to upload to my Flickr stream.

I like this shot for two reasons: 1) As I said, she doesn't look like a Rorschach example (and, since I was able to use available light and no flash, she's not making "bitter beer face"); and 2) She just looks all thoughtful and beautiful here. Though I wouldn't be surprised to find out she was plotting a strategy for killing Simon while looking so thoughtful and beautiful.

Yes, thank you. I know my front page still says APRIL. Have been megamondolosuperbusy between work, school, home and a fried hard drive.

Hopefully, we'll resume normal service here on Planet Vicster soon. (Believe me, I'm anxious to get rid of "April" too...I didn't like that month at all!)

...and I'm so NOT amused. You might recall there's a certain someone I'm trying to give myself some emotional distance from. Well, I gotta tell you, it's damn hard to put someone out of my mind when I see or hear his name EVERYWHERE I GO.

For a while, I tried to convince myself that I must be particularly tuned to seeing/hearing his name, but that theory blew out the window as I picked other names to be especially tuned into instead. "John, yes, that's a nice, common name that I should see and hear everywhere. Or maybe Jim/Jimmy/James; I've known lots of them, so surely those names will crop up and replace that other name in my conscience." But noooooooooo. It's the OTHER name. Everywhere. Every. Freakin'. WHERE.

It isn't even safe to read the preview for one of my soaps...a soap that does not have any character with this person's name. Except now, when I'm trying to NOT SEE THAT NAME. I couldn't even escape it in my photography class! I was putting some prints into the paper dryer and there, on a fellow student's print, in GREAT BIG LETTERS was that name!

So, the "relationship" (I really hate that word because it's so heavy, but I don't have a better word right now) doesn't seem to be able to move in any sort of positive direction, but I'm not allowed to let go and forget about it, either. Sometimes, I feel like one of Simon's toy mousies...only it's my emotions that get tossed and batted about.