Lately, I've been seriously considering changing my major. I've been on a path to major in fine art/photography. But I realized this weekend that trying to create art for someone else's approval (i.e. a good grade) has sucked out any joy I've ever gotten from creating art.

In the "real world" when I create a painting or a photograph, if people don't like it it doesn't have a major negative impact (other than being a bit of a bummer). But in school, if I manage get hold of an instructor for whom I can do nothing right, it seriously messes up my GPA and has a huge ripple effect in terms of lost scholarship opportunities and academic recognition.

Yes, the debacle of the drawing class still stings and is weighing heavily on this bit of soul searching. But it's not so much the "rejection" from the instructor that bothers me. What does bother me is that I know that I'm not a C student. I worked damn hard in that class but could never seem to please the instructor. I haven't picked up a charcoal since the day I left the class. As much progress as I was making at the end, I just look at my box of pencils and drawing pads and it's as if they taunt me over my "failure."

In some ways I find myself going through the same thing in the photography class. It's been a real struggle trying to balance creating technically sound images that please me with not tanking my GPA even more because of some disconnect with the instructor. It has been another rather discouraging experience, even though the instructor has been more encouraging lately.

The good thing is I'm not ready to give up on school entirely. I just want to find joy in art again and I think being an art major is going to turn me off of it completely. What my new major will be, I don't know yet. I'm hoping the academic counselor at my school that I trust completely will be back soon from her maternity leave. Then we can put our heads together and figure out which way to go from here.