Well, so far November has provided a real window into the character of quite a few people. It's giving me cause to re-evaluate a lot of relationships and re-examine the kind of vibe I'm putting out myself.

One of the things that has been really confusing for me is that I've always been told that when I put out warmth and love and a really nice, friendly vibe, I can/should expect to get that warmth and friendship back. Without going into huge detail about my own history (it's for another blog entry, trust me), I've found it very difficult to be that open and trusting with my friendship. So, when I do open up and extend myself in friendship to people (people who have extended themselves in friendship to me--so I thought), it's quite dismaying to get back a handful of shards of icicles.

There have been a couple of instances recently where certain people have been open and friendly--in one case quite demonstratively--to where I let my defenses down and decided, "yes, this is someone I would like to be friends with, someone I believe I can trust...let's go down that road and see where it takes us!" So I open myself up to someone who is so warm and friendly one day, then BAM! Barely says two words to me just days later and tries so very hard to pretend I don't exist, even when I'm standing just two feet away.

Coincidentally--or not--both of these most recent cases have involved men. So, just for the sake of putting it on the record, let me break it down for you, guys.

When I show an interest in you and your friendship, it's of the "hey, I wouldn't mind hanging out with this person and getting to know him better" variety. My interest does NOT include a) writing your last name after my first name; b) registering us at Pottery Barn and Crate and Barrel; NOR c) checking my biological clock and determining when I'm ovulating.

Now, in spite of all that, if the very prospect of being my friend--of being seen in public with/near me--is that UNBELIEVABLY HORRIFYING because I'm not the "trophy" friend type (i.e., not cool enough, young enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, artsy-phartsie enough, smart enough or whatever), then indeed we're better off with you pretending I don't exist. The same is true if you were only befriending me because I had some temporary superficial value to you; you can just mark me right off your list (if you haven't already). Because, really, I've had enough cowards and otherwise insincere people in my life, so I'm not really in the market for new ones. But thanks, anyway.

However, if you really are brave enough to be my friend in spite of my faults (or, better yet, because of them), then know that I would do my best to be worth the trouble.

I'm just sick and tired of beating myself up thinking I've done or said something wrong, when all I was doing was trying to be friends. Opening myself up is a very very difficult thing for me to do. When I finally trust someone enough to open myself up to them only to have them slam the door in my face...well, it's making me think I don't want to open myself up to people, anymore. And I've worked very hard for a lot of years to not shut myself in. But, honestly, I don't know what else to do, anymore.

(...as to the other character-revealing issues that have come up, I'm still processing the information and deciding how I'm going to respond to these recent events.)