I learned that one does NOT just decide to go shopping in downtown Walnut Creek, then get in the car and take off. No, shopping in downtown Walnut Creek on a Saturday afternoon, evidently, requires a bit more forethought and preparation.

I did manage to shake off my slight discomfort at the sight of so many "W 04" and "Bush/Cheney" bumper stickers. And the Parking Goddess opened up a nice spot just steps away from Macy's door. What got a bit uncomfortable, though, were the gawks and stares, and I could swear I heard a couple of snorts from the women shopping in downtown Walnut Creek.

Clearly, I was a "furriner"...and probably a damned hippie from Berkeley at that! It didn't take long for me to see why I stood out from the crowd:

* I dared to wander into downtown Walnut Creek without any makeup. (But I did put on my tinted Aveda lip balm...doesn't that count?)

* I neglected to visit my hairdresser and get my hair "done" before going shopping in downtown Walnut Creek. My decidedly un-coiffed waves flailed wildly around my head, with just a few clips holding the more unruly bits off my face.

* Bare nails. I got past the screener without having a manicure or pedicure. I feel shame.

* What not to wear: Old jeans, old tank top, old sweater and old I-can't-believe-they're-not-Birkenstocks. I wore 'em. In downtown Walnut Creek.

* I went stag. Evidently, women who shop downtown Walnut Creek shop in herds...or at least in pairs. I thought I had found one other solo female shopper and started to see if she'd be my "shopping buddy" but she caught one look at me and ran for the nearest herd of shoppers. I think it was my hair that scared her.

* I smelled of patchouli and sandalwood and other yummy natural oils and herbs instead of emitting the $75/oz synthetic odour of the locals, and SWEET MERCIFUL CRAP!!! I LEFT PLANET VICSTER WITHOUT FIRST SPRAYING ON A SUNTAN!!! Wasn't anyone standing watch at the Caldecott tunnel to filter the likes of me out?!?

While browsing Nordstrom's, a woman walked past me...she didn't look too out of the ordinary, but I noticed she had a sticker over her breast that read, "Visitor 272". I wondered if, once they sussed me as an outsider, I'd be tagged too.

In the end, all I bought was an iced tea at Starbucks (it wasn't hard to find...it was just across from The Gap) and got into Luna (a.k.a. the Wicked Cool Car!) and wended my way back to the cool side of the tunnel (literally...the temperature dropped about 10 degrees as I came down the hill).

And I learned...There's No Place Like Home.